Picture this scenario: It’s 2am. You can’t sleep. Some tough exchanges with your significant other and a nagging feeling deep down inside has you convinced that something’s just not right. Work, family, friends, finances – you’ve asked and thought about them all but nothing seems amiss. Your significant other is sleeping deeply beside you…and their cell phone is riiiight there.
Maybe there’s a hint in it? A clue as to why they’re distracted, less affectionate or attentive, possibly not as punctual as usual…something to shed light on it? Maybe they’ve been on the phone more than their normal, with hushed tones or new attentiveness to text message notifications…a family crisis too deep to share? An argument with a friend or coworker that they just don’t want to trouble you with? A harmless peek won’t hurt if it serves the greater good of saving the relationship, right?
::record skip/vinyl scratch::
Stop it. You know your nosy behind doesn’t think anything of the sort. You have a sneaky suspicion they’re they’re talking to their ex…to someone new…to that one internet hoochie on his Facebook page heifer down the block…and lying to you about it too. You want proof of what you already suspect so you can confront them with confirmed betrayal. You can make your grand exit with a guaranteed martyr’s funeral in your wake and have a banner to fly for your family and mutual friends. All you need is that oooone text message to prove they weren’t really with the boys, but actually chasing the girls; that she wasn’t actually working till 9pm on a new lesson plan, but actually getting in some extra-curricular.
And I understand. Who wants to be made to feel like a fool at the hands of someone they love and trust? But can I ask you something, Sherlock, before you get them locked out of their Gmail account with 50 password tries? ::watches you slowly lower the laptop:: If you really do love and trust them, why are you about to break the very trust that’s been given to you? Isn’t that what your mission was supposedly aimed at protecting?
Let’s cut to the chase. You’re snooping. You’re saying there’s something you think you need to know that you don’t trust them to tell you. You are feverishly trying every 4 digit combo known to man on their iPhone don’t think they respect you enough to keep you informed and allow you to make your own decisions. Instead, you think your significant other would lie and deceive you for their own gratification. Selfish! Cruel! Yup. Entirely wrong. So can I ask you something else? Why the hell are you with someone you think would do that to you? ::crickets::
When you snoop through another person’s things, whatever the justification you feed yourself, you’re stooping to the level you accuse them of. You’re breaking trust because you’re pretty sure they broke yours. Does that actually make sense to you? Do the ends justify the means? Not to mention that if you DO find something, how are you going to bring it up?
“I was going through your emails and found…” ::brakes screech:: Nope. That surely negates anything you find in the mind of the accused. There’s no convo to follow that lead, other than “Wait, you went through my emails? How dare you! You shouldn’t have been in there to find anything!”…and now you’re the bad guy. 100%. No further discussion possible. And if you’re honest, even you have to admit there’s some validity to their point.
Conversely, what if you’re wrong? To be honest, if you’re reached the point of stooping this low, you might not be wrong unless you’re one of those crazy-all-the-time chicks. But you could be. Intuition is one of nature’s finest gifts to humans. Don’t ignore it! If you’ve got that nagging, sinking feel that something is amiss, it very well might be. The key to that though…is conversation. If it’s driving you to these desperate lengths, it’s worth talking about. Clearly, you don’t have peace of mind and they don’t have your trust. That’s nothing to brush under the rug. Not talking about it and forging ahead with an all-out Facebook/cell phone/email investigation only makes it clear that YOU aren’t to be trusted.
Communication is the key to every relationship: business, friendship, marriage. If you can’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be partnered with them for any of the above. Answers you have to hunt and uncover won’t change what the answers are – only how the situation is solved, or irretrievably broken. Before you let suspicion and distrust drive you to crazy chick status sleepless nights, far better to pick up your sanity and move on, if it comes to that.
PSA: I know there’s a contingent of gentlemen reading this and saying to their significant other, “oh, I’d neeeeeever hide anything from you baby,” and then hurrying to clean out their wallet and text inbox. And I know some of you ladies are “appalled that there are women out there who would still resort to such insecure female activities,” while making a note to shred your secret list of his passwords. Good. Just wanted to get the “what I’m supposed to say in front of him/her” out of the way. You may now leave your REAL comments.
Avenue 1′s Eva is a writer at www.evasaidit.com
Photos courtesy of C.Holliday
Preach Eva!! And you KNOW, I'm right there with you on this point. If I can't trust you, then I can't be with you. If you can't communicate with me then I'll leave until you figure out how to. And if someone is being distant and I'm feeling like there is a withdraw, then let's talk about it…either you'll work to resolve it, or you just don't feel the same. Either way, we came to a conclusion and I don't have to wonder or suspect or feel uneasy. Quickly find the solution and keep it moving. Dwelling on issues and dragging things on is just NOT my style.